Until the next time….

Until the next time…..

I’m not going to break down and let this dream slip through my fingers,

Until the next time…..

I’m going to remember that I’m just a blip on the radar screen of consciousness,

Until the next time…..

I’m going to constantly be aware of all the love that surrounds me in my life,

Until the next time…..

I will thank God (or whoever) every second and enter into a state of eternal gratitude,

Until the next time…..

I will focus on what’s really important in my life,

Until the next time…..

I won’t let all of the petty, shitty little challenges knock me off my tricycle,

Until the next time…..

I will remember that all the money in the world won’t make me happy,

Until the next time…..

I will remember that I’m only on this planet for a New York minute,

Until the next time…..

Until the next time I am caught off guard by one of life’s wake up calls.

Someday, there won’t be a next time.

– Bob O’Hearn

 

I Shit You Not!

5:00 am. Every local and national channel has some goddam fool in a parka standing in the dark with a microphone to undeniably certify, without a doubt, no shit Sherlock, that it’s snowing.
Kinda lets you know the seniority levels in the broadcaster’s union.
Producer: OK, now reach down and pick some snow up. Yes, really!
Good, now explain how much moisture is in each flake.
Hey, look out for that snow plow! Hey! hey…

STFU

I have been posting non stop lately. Everything from the back of cereal boxes to the Advil package insert. Been quite disconcerting. Like trying to bail out a huge sinking ship full of dysfunctional passengers.

The clinical term is “post-urasoff” but is most widely known as the rare genetic disorder called “Hearnage” and is, in all cases, fatal. It is accompanied by long rants, flashbacks, recriminations, half finished sentences and a very uncomfortable rash.

Please help me battle this crippling affliction by donating whatever you can to the American STFU Foundation.

Your efforts in this cause will help fund the valuable research that will once again allow me to STFU.

The Inmates

I am a guard at a minimum security institution in a sleepy part of the state.
It’s called the Wintergreen Unit and it houses some of the state’s most daring offenders.
It’s a lonely job sometimes, especially when the warden is visiting other facilities.

My job is to keep the peace, feed on time and most importantly, prevent escapes.
Like most inmates with a lot of time on their hands, they spend all day studying…. me.
While feigning sleep, fake snores and all, they keep one eye always open. And ready.

With a ratio of six to one, I have to plan my moves carefully or all hell will break loose.
Their hearing is acute. They are always watching…. and waiting.

To Gild the Lily

“To gild refined gold, to paint the lily,To throw a perfume on the violet … Is wasteful and ridiculous excess.” Shakespeare.

Spare me the details. Spare me the anxious explanation. Spare me the granular, mind numbing conclusion to something that doesn’t really matter anyway.

Let it ride. Float it into my existence without the detailed instructions. Like a kite that fights for its life in a windy sky, let it go.

Leave something out. See what happens.

Be brave. Be unafraid to let someone misunderstand, to get it wrong or not get it at all.

You can’t control someone’s perception. They listen with more than their ears.

It takes self control to hand off the ball and let them run with it.

Never have to hear “I get it” from someone you are pummeling with so much information they are essentially begging for mercy.

The spaces are just as important as the notes.

Next time you feel compelled to overcompensate, just…..

Hoffman’s Exit

What happens when you’re sleeping?
What sneaks up on your mood?
To awaken tense and doubtful,
Was there something in the food?

Maybe Hoffman’s exit,
His legacy of tears,
The coldness of mortality,
Awakens all our fears.

Daylight will be here soon,
To roll away the fog,
Must pull myself together,
Think I’ll hug a dog.

My Father’s Face

Washed my father’s face this morning. I gave him a shave, combed his hair and told him I loved him. When I put my glasses on he was gone.

The Black Hole

Watching “Stephen Hawking” Waaaay too much information. I need to get off my street more. I always thought the “Big Bang” happened at the Drive-In.

Now I’m a Film Critic?

OMG! The worst POS movie I have ever inflicted on my irises. OXY-Morons. The worst acting, shooting, dialogue, effects, music, sound, and scenery, (Charlestown) It reminds me of a bad night at the Rosebud Cafe. (Not that there were ever any
good ones.) Netflix must have been looking the other way on this stinkbomb. I better finish it just to make sure none of my relatives are in it. How do you delete stuff on here?

Just Lookin’

Just looking’

Can I help you sir? Nope, just lookin’…

Wonder if you can help me, I’m looking,,,

Looking at our records…

I’ll look into it..

I’ll look you up…

I’m looking through you..

Look out!

Always looking!

Ever notice the best things happen when you’re not looking?

August 9, 1999. The day I wasn’t looking for Susan.

Bernie and Fill?

Furniture commercials.
You know the ones we hate?
Doesn’t matter where you’re living.
They’re the same from state to state.
We endure their stupid families.
They’re all so goddam loud.
I fear for all humanity, but Fellini would be proud.

No Help Needed

Please don’t solve my problems
Stop attending to my needs
You don’t have my answers
Though I could use some leads
Let’s not invade the mystery
That’s plagued me since my birth
Let’s put some space around it
Accept it for it’s worth.

Every Damn Night

Hey, knock it off up there!
Turn out the lights and go to sleep!
Oh, don’t start that again!
If I have to come up there, you’ll be sorry!
Same thing every night. Round and round.
No, you can’t get up and watch T.V.
You have to get up early and you don’t want to feel like crap!
Now close your eyes. Breathe…. drift…… good.
– Nightly conversations with my mind.

If Bullshit Was Electricity

If bullshit was electricity, the world would be so bright.
Then the kids in Asia, could all afford a light.
The energy would help us all, be such a healing force.
And we’d never have to worry, we’d have an endless source.
If bullshit was electricity, the kind that doesn’t kill,
We’d run computers all day long, and never get a bill.
If you think of this as fantasy, I want you all to know,
It powers nutty people, that’s why I have this glow.

Dear Mr. Gold

I’m writing in regard to an agreement we entered into about 6 months ago. I can see that you have been successful in billing my credit card every month to which I am relieved. But I am somewhat concerned that in all this time I still have not received my muscles. If there is some oversight, I understand you must be busy. But please expedite quickly as the burly tenant upstairs is making sexual advances and wanting to put me in disrepair over my Justin Bieber music.
Hurry,
Chuck Wagon

The Bore

Ever had a conversation, where you never had a doubt,
that the batter you are pitching to, is trying to wait you out?

You see it in his anxious eyes, he’s buried in the zone.
He’s pushing you to finish, with those helpful grunts and groans.

You may as well just wind it up, he’s chomping at the bit,
as for what you’re saying, he couldn’t give a shit.

And now he has his moment, he’ll give a mighty try,
to run the goddam clock out until he says goodbye.

He moves through every detail, turning every stone,
It’s verbal masturbation, he truly is alone.

To Gild the Lily

“To gild refined gold, to paint the lily,To throw a perfume on the violet … Is wasteful and ridiculous excess.” Shakespeare.

Spare me the details. Spare me the anxious explanation. Spare me the granular, mind numbing conclusion to something that doesn’t really matter anyway.

Let it ride. Float it into my existence without the detailed instructions. Like a kite that fights for its life in a windy sky, let it go.

Leave something out. See what happens.

Be brave, be unafraid to let someone misunderstand, to get it wrong or not get it all.

You can’t control someone’s perception. They listen with more than their ears.

It takes self control to hand off the ball and let them run with it.

Never have to hear “I get it” from someone you are pummeling with so much information they are essentially begging for mercy.

The spaces are just as important as the notes.

Next time you feel compelled to overcompensate, just…..

Release…

I’ve tried so hard to reach you
Time and time again
I’ve tried to pierce your armor
To alleviate my pain
I’ve circled you so many times
Trying to find that spot
Trying to find the love we had
That only you forgot
Tho time did cut our lives apart and split our souls in two
I finally know, what you always knew
It was always about you

The Inmates

I am a guard at a minimum security institution in a sleepy part of the state.
It’s called the Wintergreen Unit and it houses some of the state’s most daring offenders.
It’s a lonely job sometimes, especially when the warden is visiting other facilities.

My job is to keep the peace, feed on time and most importantly, prevent escapes.
Like most inmates with a lot of time on their hands, they spend all day studying…. me.
While feigning sleep, fake snores and all, they keep one eye always open. And ready.

With a ratio of six to one, I have to plan my moves carefully or all hell will break loose.
Their hearing is acute. They are always watching…. and waiting.

They know the difference between tin foil and saran wrap, yogurt or leftovers, car keys and silverware, slippers and sneakers and they can tell by your breathing patterns what your next move is.

They know when it’s time to eat, when to relieve themselves, when it’s yard time and when it’s time to allow them back in their sleeping quarters. Oh, I almost forgot, when it’s snack time.

Then there is always the threat of rival gangs. When someone is not gang affiliated it is mayhem. Jake is a bad dude across the way who is in maximum security with an electronic collar. He maintains his space with ferocity. He is in for eating his previous owner with fava beans and a bottle of chianti. He could easily wipe out my prison population.

Still they taunt him until he froths. God help us all if he gets loose.

Well, I better get back to work. Bruno, the ring leader, is making a lot of racket down stairs.
He’s railing at the indignity of his incarceration. He’s always imagining someone is encroaching on his kingdom. He’s the shot caller around here.

I have a few days to get the place back into shape before the warden’s return. The warden can tell immediately if things didn’t go according to the strict guidelines she has implemented.

Let’s just say she has a nose for trouble.

Stupid Bowl

It’s Friday and you would think the goddam Super Bowl was tonight! Jesus! Isn’t there something happening somewhere in the world that doesn’t involve steroids and head trauma? I just had my testosterone levels checked so don’t go there, OK? Thank God I have a DVR full of House Hunters International and Lock Up Raw!

Uncontrolled Environment.

Susan is out at our place in Arizona and I am left to fend for myself with six dogs. Souls who have my number and act like the cavalry when they hear the suction break on the refrigerator door. It sounds crazy but I love this domesticated life.

I lived alone most of my adult life but when I met Susan 14 years ago my life took a marvelous turn. I don’t miss the plastic house plants, the spring loaded toilet seats and sleeping on top of the bed spread so I didn’t have to make it in the morning. Yes, these are wonderful times. Very grateful!

Pause…

A second…

A heartbeat…

A quarter note…

Before you speak…

Before you act…

Before you “send”…

Before you hurt…

Simple.

 

The Punch

Think about it. The hand gets formed into a ball, a target is picked and this “I want to hurt you” missile  gets delivered with malice and aforethought. To your face. To your ego. To your soul.
Made even more painful when delivered by a parent, a sibling or a close friend.

Movies tell you it’s OK to use this brutal form of communication to show someone you’re not happy with them. The benign Hollywood punch makes a funny noise fabricated by a sound engineer and the recipient hardly ever bleeds and quickly recovers.

But a real punch, intentionally  delivered from the north, by the huge hand of someone who’s name you were given at birth, with his body well behind it, leaves a scar that lingers well beyond this lifetime.

Like a demented Hallmark card, it’s the thought that counts. And haunts.

Just the two of us.

I remember this day so clearly. It was January 1967, mid afternoon. I was dressed in Class A’s with my duffel bag stashed by the front door. For some ungodly reason the house was quiet. In an apartment that usually held twelve unruly souls, this was a rare occasion. We were alone. I remember her making me something to eat and delivering it to me in the living room on a rickety TV dinner table.

There was no eye contact. The silence was peppered only with awkward glances. I remember her pretending to be busy working on something close by. Silence. Her back to me, I watched her shoulders rise and fall and tremble as she fought the overwhelming sense of the inevitable.

We both knew what this meant. The once young, feisty Irish girl, finally had to tithe her oldest to the war. One tenth of her reason for living. The bond was being broken.

We didn’t speak because we couldn’t.

I stood in the doorway and held her in my arms, nose snuggled in her swiftly graying hair and felt the life force that brought me forth. Still, we never spoke. I’ll never forget that day. Just the two of us.

Things my parents wanted to kill me for.

Wetting the bed.
Losing the neighbor’s bike.
Getting expelled from Catholic school
Not lifting the toilet seat.
For threatening to tell my younger siblings there was no Santa. (That worked)
Changing the names on all the gifts on Xmas morning.
For constantly reminding my sisters they had no boobs.
For tipping over all the ash cans on the street. (It looked like a war zone.)
For shitting in the neighbor’s brand new ’51 Plymouth.
For talking all the kids on the street into getting naked, running everywhere and yelling “Hi O Silver”
For collecting all the Sunday papers off the neighbor’s porches. (My father tried to redeliver. Unsuccessfully.)
Cutting all my pants down to mimic Tarzan. I forgot the underwear part. Neighbors weren’t amused.
When I questioned my father on why he never liked me he said:
“You ruined my wife you big headed bastard.”