Things my parents wanted to kill me for.

Wetting the bed.
Losing the neighbor’s bike.
Getting expelled from Catholic school
Not lifting the toilet seat.
For threatening to tell my younger siblings there was no Santa. (That worked)
Changing the names on all the gifts on Xmas morning.
For constantly reminding my sisters they had no boobs.
For tipping over all the ash cans on the street. (It looked like a war zone.)
For shitting in the neighbor’s brand new ’51 Plymouth.
For talking all the kids on the street into getting naked, running everywhere and yelling “Hi O Silver”
For collecting all the Sunday papers off the neighbor’s porches. (My father tried to redeliver. Unsuccessfully.)
Cutting all my pants down to mimic Tarzan. I forgot the underwear part. Neighbors weren’t amused.
When I questioned my father on why he never liked me he said:
“You ruined my wife you big headed bastard.”

Please note: I welcome comments that are offensive, illogical or off-topic from readers in all states of consciousness.

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