“Welcome to the gulag” I said, as my badge activated the gate this morning onto Verizon property. I did not have a good feeling. That feeling would prove to be uncannily prescient as I was being escorted off those premises four hours later.

When I arrived, as usual, the trainers were not there. They never come in to prep for the day. We sit around and wait for them to get it together. About 45 minutes. One is an ex-car salesman and the other is an idiot savant. After a week of training, not one of us 25 has any idea what they’re talking about. None.

At 10:00 am, I decide to use the bathroom. When I return only minutes later, the room is empty. I can’t imagine. I ask the guard and he only says they left. All the doors on the whole floor are secure so I don’t know where anyone is.

I go back inside the room to wait. After I empty my pockets out to the guard for the ninth time.

Ten minutes go by and and I’m still sitting alone, so I start to worry I might be missing something important. I put my hand on the door knob to leave when it gets pulled open and a morbidly obese security guard grabs me by the collar and cocks his fist to my face. I’m stunned. He says, “This goddam room is supposed to be empty.” He slightly apologizes and limps away.

Just then, the idiot savant shows up and asks me where the hell I’ve been. I try to explain but she’ll have none of it and takes me to another room where the rest of the group is.

As we’re seated, a Verizon regional director takes the floor and tells us why he’s a snake spirit.

He was up, he was down, he was rolling on the floor. We had to pull our chairs back. Never seen the like of it. Spittle flying everywhere. I was praying for 5:00.

When he gives up the stage, the savant says the other director wants to see me in her office. On the way over she says, “Don’t worry, you’re not in any trouble.” I think, what a stupid thing to say.

A part of me is thinking this director must be aware on some level how bad this training is, and might be looking for some help from someone with corporate experience.

Oh, I would be so wrong.

We have half a dozen passwords that have to be memorized. Nothing can be written down anywhere. When I got locked out, they start talking to me like I’m senile.

I listen very carefully to the words they’re using because I’m a 72 year old, age sensitive, man.

I don’t like what I’m hearing.

When I get over to the other director’s office, I find out they are going to serve me with a corrective action for getting locked out of my system three days ago.

Oh no, they’re not.

I flip out and ask the director if this is a slow day for her. “You have anything else important to do with your time?”

She runs out to get security while I’m still going off on how bad the training is. The savant is still in the room with me, wishing she was back on the ward.

As I’m pulling my lanyard over my head on the way out, I make sure I stop in every office that counts to get a bunch of licks in and to ensure they have a nice, uncomfortable day.

Like I’ve been having all week.

I, of course, will stay with AT&T. There is no Verizon on my horizon.