Shit Jobs

If I wasn’t receiving Social Insecurity, I would be sucking on a gun barrel.

I just finished a bewildering stint at an Amazon fulfillment center. It was like committing an unnatural act for money. I’m still not right.

They’ll take anybody.

When I showed up for my non-interview, I was told I had the job. I wasn’t even in the building yet.

It felt like I was being drafted.

One of the victims in my hasty batch of dispensables will be surrendering himself to prison in December. He told them the truth and they took him anyway. It’s because they know he won’t make it until December.

It reminds me of the guy with no arms and no legs that shows up at a house of ill repute and the Madame says. “What are you gonna do here?” He says, “I rang the doorbell didn’t I?”

The job is a 10 hour graveyard shift in the bowels of a building the size of Montana.

I thought I was incapable of loneliness until I started there. I sleep with a doll now.

And it was relentless.

You see no one and no one sees you.

In all that time, one faux manager came by to tell me to make sure my mask was covering my nose. Huh? I told her I haven’t seen a another human in weeks. She says, “Company Policy”. WTF?

They offer a $2,000 sign on bonus after 30 days which they’re pretty sure they won’t have to fork over. I left mine on the table.

Thankfully, I still have a few brain cells left. I am now down to two.

Once you sign on the dotted line, they tell you to sell your toilet seat because your ass belongs to them. They ain’t jivin’.

Those of you who are aware of my many travails in the job market know what a shit storm I have experienced over the last four years.

There was CVS, Verizon, United Healthcare,, HPOne, a string of shitty retail jobs and the list still goes on.

But each nightmare makes a good punchline which I use with relish because I am an ordained masochist.

Remember when I was escorted out of Verizon by security? I got a lot of mileage out of that mess.

Verizon was a gulag. An absolute police state. Three cavity searches a day, no phones, no pens, no paper and no mercy.

I am thinking of serializing “Shit Jobs” to “enlighten” folks about the pitfalls of these shitty companies.

Methinks this is what “The Big Resignation” is all about.

I should probably get married again while I’m feeling lucky. 🙂

I could go on and on but I have another job interview at a chain restaurant at 2:00pm.

Stay tuned.

Please note: I welcome comments that are offensive, illogical or off-topic from readers in all states of consciousness.

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