I am an outsider. I have never fit. I am a disruptive, attention seeking missile that veers off the highway of the rote. I have been given jobs and opportunities based solely on my personality. I have been denied for the same reason.
I have the ability to contort myself into whatever current conditions require. In other words, a shape shifter. I do it willing and with malice and aforethought. I have very few basic requirements besides a little food, water, and a place to plan insurrection.
At this stage of my game, I can barely endure the silliness, sameness and sordidness of this one act play called life. I think everything is either funny or ironic and have punchlines ready for either occasion. My creativity knows no bounds.
I am at the “Whoa…wait a fuckin’ minute!” stage of life. I am constantly arguing with my lizard brain and repeating, “If not now, when?” I have proven to myself over all these years, that I was right all the time. My instincts are spot on. Always! I was right then, (not that it matters) and I am right now.
I wake up every day and hug myself and thank the closest person to me (some days it’s a dog) for the cacophony, confusion and unconscious state we find ourselves in. Without that, I would be just an other impoverished kid trying to watch the ball game through the knotty hole in a wooden fence.
Having become more familiar with my feelings and reactions to events around me, I now know that breathless, tingly, runny bowel feeling was really unbridled excitement at the random, the unknown and even the unthinkable.
I now realize, after living a semi cautious existence, that I was always ready, always excited, always anticipating, the completely shithouse next big thing, and can’t wait for more.