I have a LOT of experience with Human Resources. I even dated a specialist for a while. So I guess that makes me an expert, free to weigh in on all the negative press these organizations are receiving and to exact my revenge while they’re still on the killing floor. To be clear, these clueless, paranoid, oxygen deprived, pack of shadow boxers, don’t live anywhere near the planet on which we reside. In other words, pimples on the ass of progress. I mean that in a good way:)

As a video and streaming media producer with 30 years of sales and marketing burned into my hide, I had to work in concert with various groups to produce quarterly meetings where live and on-line streaming audiences would participate. Then I had to sit sit down with HR and a “steering committee” to refine (and water down) the message. Needless to say, their priorities were a bit different than others of our species.

The head of HR was the type of guy who used to hold a gun on himself while shaving. I could never have dreamed up the conspiracies that were nibbling away at his amygdala. When he shared one of his ideas, I would wait for either hysterical laughter or applause and maybe even an apology. “I was only shittin’ you”! It never happened.

A couple of big issues they had were, keeping the CEO on the reservation in front of an audience that just might be paying attention in case the truth slipped out, and the anonymous employee feedback spreadsheet. I never really knew why they rolled their eyes when they mentioned the CEO, but they did, as well as sigh, wrinkle their noses and gaze at each other approvingly.

Regardless of how successful these “Town Hall” meetings went, if they got one negative comment on oh, just about anything, like the videos were too good, they must be expensive, to my seat was too hard, the meeting went five minutes over and why does he always start with the weather?. The shit house U-turn would commence. Appeasement of the squeaky wheel was the order of the day.

Fluff! Let’s keep it fluffy! Let’s just have a picnic and a group hug and all will be well.

My mother used to have a line she would use on me when I wasn’t being truthful. “Don’t shit the troops” she would say. They would have liked my mother.