Good Morning, my name is Duncan Uplift, Doctor Duncan Uplift. I’ve called this press conference today to release the findings of a comprehensive two year program on corpulence and sloth.

First, I would like to thank the academy, the National Academy of Sports Medicine, (NASM,) for providing the educational tools and support to allow us to at least, attempt, to transform this poor fellow on the left into a contributing member of society.

This was no easy task. He was not a willing participant. We had to have a harpoon at the ready when he got hungry, and luckily, no one got hurt.

He did get a bit frisky at times. He was scaring my staff. It was also very difficult bathing him. The local car wash contributed mightily to the effort. Again, my thanks to Quickies In ‘N Out.

Some mornings we found it necessary to attach a bag of doughnuts to the back of fast moving vehicle to get him moving. We found his weak spot.

We saw an amazing change in his physical appearance and attitude over time. Soon, his vitality came back along with his lust for life. He’s still a bit obnoxious, but that should gradually diminish.

He seems to want to flex his muscles everywhere? It could be worse, I guess.

Again I would like to thank the academy. As you can see, he’s ready to lick the world. Let’s hope he doesn’t.

Now I’ll take some questions…..