Remember, back in the day, those fuzzy little corporate ride alongs you would have with your sales manager, where he or she would ask you questions about work life balance, your stress levels and your career trajectory? (Yes, that really happened)

Then you would have to have a long uncomfortable dinner with them that night in hopes you might reveal one of your many character flaws, so they could work on it with you. The real goal.

I thought it was a little creepy and invasive at times, depending on who was riding shotgun, but I appreciated the charade.

Interestingly, I never had a real, bona fide, sales star for a manager. It was usually some guy at the back of room at sales meetings. If you could sell, you never got out of the field. (Funny how that works.)

The ones who could type, fill out a spreadsheet and load up a fax machine would usually receive the nod.

And I will be merciful to the manager who gave me my annual review totally shitfaced. Overnight, he blacked it out and gave it to me again at breakfast. Mercifully, I never let on. Sorry, Eric. 🙂

That was corporate sales, and now I find myself in retail. Being managed. (Sorta)

Retail management is like New England weather, if you don’t like your current jerk-off, wait a few minutes. Think: Musical chairs.

In retail, organizational announcements usually come in the form of gossip until the new meat shows up to yell at you for something.

In retail, they don’t teach you new skills, they spring them on you. (This is why yelling is so important)

In retail, they are called department managers, they manage departments, not people. People are just collateral, things to yell at when things go wrong.

If you want one to totally disappear, tell them you have a discrepancy in your pay check.

In retail, if you reach a certain level of incompetence and they want to get you out of the lunch room, they give you a department to keep you busy. For a few weeks anyway.

My last female manager made Roseanne Barr look like Emily Post. No finesse, no tact and I honestly believe she has never experienced foreplay. Nor would she require it.

After my most recent retail experiences, I would enjoy a ride along with Jack the Ripper.

So would you. 🙂