For those of you from the “turneth the other cheeketh” school of thoughteth, this Bud’s not for you. But for those of you who know a gift horse when they see it, read on. When someone breathlessly trespasses, when they willfully with malice aforethought have a go at you and keep on going, it ought to get you going. If not, check your pulse.

A grudge might take years off your life, but what you will have left will be good years, productive years and ultimately satisfying when you smite your foe. I promise you. When the action taken against you is an affront of such ballsy magnitude you can hardly take in oxygen, then we’re talking “Rocky” here.

A good grudge is worth its weight in blood pressure medication. My father got 40 good grudge years out of me and they drove me way, way, beyond my pay grade. Thanks, Dad.

You will need very little sleep. Two hours will feel like a coma. Food. You will chew and chew, then spit it out after grinding all the nutrients out. Your eyes will be open so wide all the time your friends will think you have new contacts.

Hear rate? Forget about it. Stay away from the blood pressure cuff too. You will be running at such a high level, crack addicts will be trying to score from you. Chatter will be incessant, just watch the volume and try not to let your lips move.

Yes, you will be disturbed, but constructively. Once you settle in and realize what has happened to you and how you need to even up, an evil calm will settle over you. This is your moment. This is what you were created for.

I am in the middle of a huge transgression, perpetrated by someone who used to be close to me. Very close. They have no idea what they did to me, and for me. Well, maybe they did.

If something bad were to happen to this person and I became a suspect, I would be the only one laughing in the line-up. I might even take the rap just for bragging rights.

Some days it gets hard to control, so I will work out like a maniac, ride my bike all over the state and mutter to myself. Evil is such a motivating force, don’t you think?

Don’t miss out. Pain is life’s way of letting you know you’re alive.

So live.