“You did a good job.” They had no idea. I did things they couldn’t measure. For big hitters, I flew lobster in from Boston, cooked, served, played the piano, told jokes, then cleaned their house afterwards.

I hand delivered Thallium 201 and molybdenum 99 generators. I taught customer’s kids how to play guitar, lift weights and boot up Windows 95.

I fended off gay advances without anyone getting their feelings hurt. I fended off straight advances without anyone getting pregnant.

I didn’t lose my composure when the fat female tech with the mustache said, “How bad do you want this business?

I got naked in a hot tub at UNM so my drunken customers wouldn’t feel awkward. I was a regular stand-in at the Scottsdale Court House when my female tech friends were getting divorced and needed a shoulder to cry on at breakfast.

My big clients had my AMEX card number so I wouldn’t have to drive all the way across town when they got hungry. I was the best secret keeper in the territory.

I knew I was gonna do great things in sales, so I limited myself to a ninth grade education.

Otherwise…it would have been an unfair advantage. 🙂