Unemployed Or Free Agent?

Free agent

Well, which is it?

Hey, sports players use “Free Agent” all the time, it sounds so cool, doesn’t it? So why not use it? Yeah, Free Agent. I’m sure it’s not copyrighted. Or do you grab for a tissue when you let on that you’re unemploooyyyed. I’m a loser, can you spare some change? Even I’ve been unemployed. Many times. Either through my own doing or my big mouth. Or both.

But my eyes didn’t get all puffy about it. I would always say I had three or four companies fighting over me and I was just sifting through the best offers. Up your game. You are hot property. Act like it. You’re not in a grovel fest.

You know when you’re not dating anyone for a period of time, the chicks won’t comes near you? They can smell the loser off you. But when you meet someone you really like and you’re happy, it’s like Sadie Hawkins Day.

Manhunt. You need security. You buy a pit bull. Same thing here. I’m not asking you to get delusional (it works for me, though) but start having those bathroom mirror conversations and I bet inside of a week, you’ll start believing your own hype. I guarantee it.

I’m not Dr. Phil, but I know what has worked for me. A little mind fuck will go a long way these days. Who else is dumb enough to fall for your own bullshit, besides you? Nobody! When the recruiter tells you not to forget your knee pads, ask if you can borrow hers. Then hang up on her.

You’ll walk taller, those desperation bags under your eyes will start to recede. You won’t break down during job interviews. You’ll give off that “you want me, you know you do, but you must meet my list of demands or I walk.” They will either think you’re totally bat shit or the real deal. Either way, what have you got to lose? You’re not working anyway!

Hey, you’re a free agent now, not someone looking to warm up a seat in cube #47. Grow a pair, or at least rent some. You know, like bowling shoes? They can smell the flop sweat off you as soon as you get on their elevator. Take command. Prisoners? No, thank you. If all this valuable psychobabble information doesn’t work for ya, I will refund all your money. I did mention the money, didn’t I?

If you reach out in the next 24 hours I will include, absolutely free, a pair of my patented magnifying underwear to bolster your confidence. Call today.

Your welcome.

If you have any questions or need personal advice, please feel free to view my work here.

Bob O’Hearn

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Please note: I welcome comments that are offensive, illogical or off-topic from readers in all states of consciousness.

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