One should never go to a restaurant with the word “factory” in it and expect to get served in a single afternoon. Never again. This is the second time while shooting a gig in Cambridge I took a chance on Cheesecake Factory. Over the years, getting a seat at one of these franchises during lunch time was a daunting task. The front lobby used to look like a U2 concert. The last two times, empty. Now I know why. This time, with an hour to eat, we got the same booth, the same waitress and she appeared in the same condition, clueless. Will I ever learn?

Being the dyed in the wool, type A, asshole I’ve always been, I decide to nip this in the bud. I went and complained to the same manager I had complained to before and told him about my tight deadline. I told him my lunch took 56 minutes to be served the last time from the same knucklehead who thinks time is a relative term. I mean, I’m in the kitchen with this moron pleading my case. He shrugged me off and told me that’s just the way it is. Another salaried, “who gives a shit” gift to the planet. He says “cheesecake is cheesecake.”

Whoa, whoa, wait, let me write that down. That was pure genius. Right out of Wharton. He said it with a straight face and shoulder shrug. I stare at him in stunned silence as I start to slip my jacket back on. I am hoping they open the borders today and he is the first casualty. He deserves unemployment and I won’t mind chipping in to deactivate  this pimple on the ass of progress.

I’m like, nobody has a fucking job around here they have to go back to? What is this Europe? Three hour lunch and a siesta thank you very much? I said, “no wonder there’s nobody in your lobby.”

I guess the wait staff is on salary because to them “hustle” was a disco tune in the 70’s.

He says. “we are doing really well, business wise.” Being the total anal cavity that I am I grab his arm and push him through his swinging doors and into the dining room. Just about empty. Rows of empty tables and booths. During lunch? In a busy mall in Cambridge? I said, what are you running, a fucking furniture store? You may as well be, dick head, and we left.

Next stop, California Pizza Kitchen, no line, great service, delicious food and the check in under 45 minutes. If you have a job, a life, or something to do with your miserable existence, go there, you won’t be treated like a mannequin and I bet you’ll like it.

Tip: If you like your human existence and you want it to go on forever, go to the Cheesecake Factory in the mall in Cambridge. You won’t live years longer but will sure seem like it.