Oh, if I had a nickel for every person who tells me they don’t run because of hip, back, thigh, shin, feet, ankle and toe problems. I could lip-synch the list of excuses.

I usually respond with, “That’s because you run like a galoop” You hit the street with reckless abandon, thrashing yourself all over the pavement and letting your appendages fall where they may.

No wonder you’re in pain. I’m in pain having to listen.

Meanwhile, your chiropractor has developed priapism over his ever engorging income stream. What kind of fool inflicts that kind of pain on themselves? Uh, that could be you.

To save you any more pain and embarrassment, I will share with you a technique I developed in early childhood: run like you just pooped your pants. Yes, like you have a fresh one in the trunk.

This will keep your stride from becoming unwieldy, stop you from bouncing until your fillings fall out and keep you from wreaking even more havoc on your already weakened human movement system.

You don’t have to look like a gazelle. It’s not like ABC Sports is filming the event. I look like an idiot shooshing down the road. (That’s why I run at night.) But I am pain free, my weight is perfect and my blood pressure is in check.

And don’t let me catch you flopping around on one of those elliptical thingies. Your skeleton needs to make contact with terra firma. Stay low to the ground, take smaller strides and move your arms like crazy.

Leave your phone at home, get some fresh air, strengthen your limbs, empty your mind and get healthy.

See the USA without your Chevrolet.