Note to reader: I inadvertently hit the publish button, now I’m committed.

Hi, my name is Bob O’Hearn and I’m an asshole. (Audience) HI, BOB!!!

I became aware of this fact when I realized that I was powerless over my addiction to being one. So I decided to turn to a higher power and found that there was no higher power other than me. (Another reason I’m an asshole.) I am so repelled by mundane business and marketing phrases that I once ingested a computer mouse to keep from screaming.

I am stubborn, opinionated and judgmental. In most cases, unbearable, according to my wife. She might have a point.

I have been pilloried by these corporate terms and non phrases for so long that I am choking on my own bile. There are words that do not work any more. Repeat after me. There are words that do not work any more. They just… don’t!

My wife and I got into a huge kerfuffle this morning over an upcoming business non-event, hosted by a local entrepreneurial group, featuring a well recognized writer. He has a CV as long as your arm and the event is being billed as a fire side chat (which I consider code for no deliverable.) Like sitting next to Harry Reid on a bus to Searchlight, Nevada.

After reading his bona fides, you realize you have absolutely nothing in common with this over educated intellectual from another universe, especially given the fuzzy topic.

When my wife read me the title, “What Drives Success?” I had a visceral reaction something akin to hearing your china cabinet tip over in the other room.

“Well, that’s fucking original” as I start my metamorphosis into a hyper-caffeinated, raging anal cavity. “I can get this shit from a leather couch.” Then I get the “Why is it every time?” thing from my wife. So, as is my nature, I start to challenge the premise of this cozy little fustercluck. Now I’m a gaping (see above).

It’s not like I have something else to do that night, I would probably go, I just wanted to discuss why, in this day and age, someone would be so lacking in creativity and use such pedestrian language to attract an audience. “Networking for Nitwits” would have really grabbed me. Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lies.

True story: As Rodney Dangerfield’s father lay in his death bed after a long life, Rodney asked him, “Dad, you’ve done and seen everything. Tell me, what is this all about? What’s the secret of life?” He said “kid, it’s all bullshit.” And he died.

I’ll leave you with this:

“Say something sweet, say something funky, make me lay back and grin like a monkey, with just a little bit of wit, spare me that same old shit”

Sound of flushing toilet then fade to black.