The Dry Vagina Chronicles

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My almost client consulting with her better half.

While I’m waiting to hear back from De Moulas’a on that new grocery bagging position, I would like to finish elaborating on a disturbing interaction I had yesterday with someone who I’ll only call the “Dry Vagina Lady.”

As previously mentioned, she sought us out through our on-line reputation in pharmaceuticals and for me, a deep interest in the subject and would like to be more intimately involved. It is a subject I’m very interested in looking into. 🙂

She is doing a project for a company based in Denmark (hint) and has written and completed an approved script. She is a writer, not a producer. Which we all know once it is legally approved it is set in stone for the most part. I have no idea how she secured this gig, but now she is facing the moment of truth and has to produce.

She previously had one of her son’s friends shoot a spec video and she was able to put together an amateur attempt at bringing attention to the issue, but it was just that, amateur, and silly, very silly. There is not one word of a lie in anything I’m putting forth here. The picture above shows her diagnosing her condition on herself complete with dialogue.

I have her face covered because after what I went through, I have no interest in seeing her face or her… other thing. Ever. So, the phone call did not go well. She was dishonest in my opinion, bristled at my inquiries about budget, tried to minimize the effort that would have to go into the project. (How about four locations in downtown Manhattan in business hours)

She needed additional talent, like a physician, and the locations were a legal morass. Starbuck’s? Without permission? She had no other talent picked and wanted me to price it based on a piece of paper. I’ve been rolled by the best of them and I’m not getting on the Mass. Pike for peanuts and a nightmare edit.

When I hung up I told my wife to tell her I had a nervous breakdown and wouldn’t be available until after the 2016 elections. Then I took a shower. A short time later a link to an even more garish attempt at corporate video shows up but no script.

Here is the e-mail Susan got from the woman whose name has been redacted, as she should have been, and my response.

Hi Susan,
I haven’t yet sent the script because I’ve been thinking about my conversation with your husband, and have some reservations about moving to the next step.  He was trying hard to sell but didn’t fully listen to what’s been done on the project so far, and what I need from your company. I explained to him that the script has been approved and the locations chosen.  All he needed to do was read the script and then submit a price.  Yet he seemed to want to start from scratch and he asked me questions that showed me he wasn’t listening to what’s been accomplished.
Based on our conversation, I am concerned that your husband’s style of operating is too different from mine, and that we will run into too many unnecessary challenges.

Fair enough. A load of bullshit, but fair enough. I wasn’t trying to sell anything. Read the script and quote a price? Hey honey, any calls from De Moula’s yet?

Here’s my response. I admit to being a little beaned up on Kona but I spent thirty years with knee pads on and know when I’m getting the bum’s rush.

Dear Redacted,

I agree with you totally. You might think that the questions I asked you were unnecessary and I was up selling but you are way off track if you think you’re going to pull your project off in such a haphazard manner. I don’t work like that.

You are under the impression that just because you have an approved script, that you can just blow through the process without the considerations I brought up to help you.

You bristled at questions about budget and also mentioned your past experiences with your son’s friend. Who has to rent a camera? Are you kidding?

You may be an accomplished writer but you are not in my business.You don’t do what I do and will never have my experience. I have seen your past work and while it might satisfy your followers on your web site and your own creative impulses, it is amateur at best and self indulgent at worst.

I will try not to be too condescending here, but let me remind you that you are dealing with a major pharmaceutical company no matter how you want to characterize them. Yes, you should have reservations, about me, about your son’s friend and more importantly your own approach. This ain’t arts and crafts.

I do this all day every day and to me, you were being too cute by half. You weren’t open and honest with me when I could have helped you. You, even with that script are not ready for prime time.

Novo has a lot of money and if you want more of it you better deliver the goods. You don’t even have your talent selected yet.

I told my wife yesterday I couldn’t see a path forward with you. I’ve sat through thousands of pitches and client concepts that would never work and I had to find out the hard way. It cost me time, money and brain cells. But, I don’t do silly.

Good luck with your project but I won’t be lured into a foggy situation with someone I can’t help and who won’t listen to a professional.

You have potential, but you also need a steady hand and clear direction. I am always amazed at how easy people think this business is. I’m sure you will learn a lot from this experience.

I will leave you with this: Let’s just shoot it is a recipe for disaster.

Good luck,

I took Susan with me today to a couple of clients in town and had to leave the room to break out laughing in the hall way. Some days I hate this fucking business. But not today. 🙂



Please note: I welcome comments that are offensive, illogical or off-topic from readers in all states of consciousness.

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