I run in the wee hours. Anywhere from one to three am. I run for fitness and clarity. The clarity comes in torrents. I bring all worry to meet the pavement. It wasn’t my original intention, but a process has developed over time.
In the beginning, when I would step out into my moon filled courtyard, my stomach churning, and my fingers trembling as I locked the door behind me, I would have a mountain of worry in front of me.
Slowly over the miles, they would diminish, but never disappear. Because they’re not supposed to I am convinced. Our problems are what make us.
These last two years have been the most challenging of my comparatively long life. All those sleepless nights. If I could paint, I would re-create my bedroom ceiling from memory. Every nook and cranny.
But look what’s happened? Look what it’s driven me to. Growth I never thought possible in areas alien to me in every respect. I have accomplished things beyond my wildest imagination. Driven by angst and self doubt.
I have also failed mightily, I have wept myself home. Bitterly.
I realize in that morning darkness that no matter who we are, the end game is the same. It’s how we play it. It’s the how, the process, and the journey, nothing else matters. It’s all we have. It’s now.
All of the heartbreak, disappointment and struggle only serve to produce one thing….our finest selves. No challenge, no change.