If you can’t join ’em, beat ’em.

In my ongoing attempts to find employment of the home-based variety, I am having to pimp myself off to the lowest, chintziest bidder.

I find myself traversing hotel meeting rooms, call centers, coffee shops and drug testing facilities. I am fast becoming master of the online assessment.

I can respond to the “Can you tell us of a time…?” question before they end the sentence. I know the “Let him wait” strategy like the back of my hand. I bring snacks.

Recently, I found myself at a Radisson in Phoenix, the day before I took the test for my insurance license. I was hedging a bet, seeing I was going to start a new job the following Monday.

It was Alaska Airlines. They were hiring for home based positions. I am writing a couple of books and I don’t want to lose valuable writing time on the highway. Hence….

So here I am. What a disaster. Murphy showed up with a bunch of his laws and Fellini had a casting call.

They tried to show the “Ain’t we a happy bunch?” video with disastrous results. The projector was an alien intruder, there was no audio, and the video was the size of a pizza box.

It starred captive employees doing that sign reveal thing with printer paper on a windy runway.

These people operate flying machinery?

I’m thinking that poor bastard they have painted on the tail of their planes might be the CEO.

There were four of these ambassadors moving around like monkeys humping a football.

They were wardrobed right out of the nearest homeless shelter. Honey, if it don’t fit, please quit.

I’m thinking a dress code should be relaxed, not limp.

Realizing I have my big test tomorrow and should be home studying, not having my intelligence insulted at this circus, I start losing it.

I stand up and turn my back on them. I am 50 miles from serious study.

I am so filled with remorse. And they can tell. Beyond the garish visual, these people were so unprepared and full of shit, they were choking on it.

I kept thinking of all the flight checks that were going on at the moment and I start praying.

I waited a full 2 hours to tell them I wouldn’t take the position and shouldn’t they be ashamed of themselves?  No response.

Alaska can be a cold, dismal place.