B2B: Bullshit to bullshit.


One night stand

“Have we got a deal for you.”

Disclaimer: I reserve and deserve the right to post my unfortunate experiences in the business world to anyone that will read it. Mainly because this is the disingenuous world we live in. So when some hose-job calls me up and attempts to lure me into a disaster involving subject matter that I consider myself an expert in and offer me a position under false premises and a totally stupefying proposition, they deserve what they get. At this stage of my game, I don’t suffer fools lightly. I don’t have to. Here’s the job posting and the conversation that followed. Hilarious if it wasn’t so depressing. B2B indeed.

Sales Executive (B2B)
Waverley Knobs – Boston, MA
$140,000 a year
Our film/video and digital media firm is growing and we seek an experienced, self-driven, sales professional to join our sales team in expanding/maintaining our client base. This dynamic individual will generate leads, persuade decision makers to hire our company, establish and nurture client relationships.

This position is perfect for an ambitious and results-oriented individual who can secure clients and build relationships. We want motivated and inspired individuals looking for more than “just a job” and instead a place where they can build their career.

If you are excited about working with a fun and professional start-up company that is on a mission to make a positive impact on how promotional video and other visual content is produced, and you are highly self-motivated to create successful sales transactions, then we want to meet you!

Develop new business with a clear focus on presenting the company B2B clients as a multi-dimensional production company offering client conceptual development from pre-production, production through post-production with an emphasis on developing marketing and branded video content messaging.

When the phone rang at the appointed hour, I expected to be expertly grilled by someone named Waverly who owned a door knob factory. It didn’t take me long to poke a hole in this fustercluck. At first I’m amused, then a little sarcastic, then I go in for the kill. What type of equipment do you use? She didn’t know. Do you have existing customers that need managing? “No”

What editing platform? Crickets. So how does this all work? “Well, if you bring in a project worth a thousand dollars, you get 15% of that.” Honey, I don’t get out of bed for a thousand dollars. So where do you get the 140K? “Well, that’s potential.” Based on what? More crickets.

Lately I’ve been pining away for someplace to hang my hat and to contribute to worthy content production projects. But these phone interviews are getting more and more ridiculous. Looks like I’m gonna be the Lone Ranger until I take the dirt nap.

How someone can have the testicular fortitude to call me up and interview me on whether I’m worthy to join their imaginary team is beyond me. After five minutes on the phone I realize the 140K is the product of a wild imagination and they’re hoping I still have the concussion from falling off that turnip truck. If this bullshit job posting did anything, it helped me clarify what I don’t want to be when I grow up.

Then the dissembling begins. Now I’m like a cat with a half dead mouse. It’s too cruel to proceed any further before she either starts crying or has a nervous breakdown. She’s the COO and cinematographer, by the way. I guess you can call yourself anything these days. She nervously giggled through most of my interrogation. So I said “Be honest, you’ve got nothing going on do you?” “Well, not yet.”

They have no studio, no equipment, no strategy, no vision, no plan and some high school kid in the back room with a free copy of iMovie on a laptop and the wildest price ranges I’ve ever seen. $3,000 to $25,000?

I asked her “If I have more equipment and experience than you, why would I dig up a prospect and turn them over to you?” No answer. Time for a Zoloft.

What I did get out of it is I am a sales guy first and foremost. I make things happen. I’m going to stay on that track and sell my own digital video production talents.

It usually take a little while for the whole episode to sink in, first I laugh, then I feel the let down, then I start getting pissed off. I fear this type of scam will never get any better. I should get me a Tonto because it can get lonely out here.

Hi-Oh, Silver.

Please note: I welcome comments that are offensive, illogical or off-topic from readers in all states of consciousness.

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