As I crawled up the corporate ladder I noticed the people who infested the upper echelons of these big companies had a few chips missing. The higher the position, the more Captain Queeg you got, and the stranger the conversations.

I would always pre-defecate before every meeting and make sure I skipped the extra caffeine. I would be covered with sweat after every interaction. It was like walking a drunk home.

Now I see these deranged fuckers are still out there on LinkedIn, talking more shit than a North Korean radio station.

All the big shots I worked with had a leather couch in their office. Now I know why.

The woman who took over as brand director for Cardiolite was a walking nervous breakdown. I used to record our meetings, take them home and slow them down so I could understand what she was saying. Or at least try to make the conversations linear.

At first, I thought she was speaking in tongues.

The guy I saw this morning, extolling his incredible salesmanship and records of success, traveled with me on a customer visit once and I had to break up a fist fight.

The tech had him in a headlock, I had to do something.

Another destroyed my dashboard on the way back from Tucson screaming about how he was gonna kill the co-worker who was sleeping with his girlfriend who was married to someone else….in the same company. Still with me?

A reimbursement specialist who came out to travel with me was so drunk when she got off the plane in Phoenix, she had to be detained. I guess she yelled “PARTY!” too loud when she fell over.

Thankfully, they grabbed her right after she told me, “Don;t worry Bob, I took care of the birth control”. True story.

In 2003, I handed a product manager a USB stick with an idea for a customer give-away. At first, he thought it was whistle.

Three hours later he was still staring at it like a monkey in a fishbowl. Maybe his internal batteries needed charging.

The good thing is, they’re still out there….. and I’m not. 🙂