Noogie: the act of rubbing your knuckles on a person’s head to cause annoyance or slight pain. Here I go again. But I’m not going to stop, because at some level these rants feed my insecurities and give me the notion that I’m on the right track. However fleeting.

The scenario: I saw you on line. I thought you were different. I thought you were just doing something cool and if anybody was interested, well, c’mon in. Nice!

That’s very attractive these days. Like dating, it’s that initial attraction, that little something that makes you different. And you made me feel good, special, you knew what I needed. You could feel my pain. I thought we were going to have that one-of-a-kind special relationship. Then I find out you only want to get in my pants.

Then you begin dropping your guard and start using phrases like “guaranteed success,” “life changing,” and the particularly galling, “However, what if I told you there was a way to have predictable book sales, income…”  fill in the blanks. That’s when I start to return my coffee.

As you can surmise, this my world, this is where I graze, this is where I stick my finger in the air to feel which way the wind is blowing. If I can’t judge the landscape I’m fucked. So, naturally I try to learn from others in my sphere of influence. But those same patterns keep emerging. It’s that slow, irritating, painful knuckle drag that gives the noogie it’s repulsive nature. First of all, where did that term originate? I’m not going to Google it, my head hurts already.

I hear from people all the time that I respect, admire and trust that this is just the way business is done. It always comes down to the “ask”, It’s commerce, it’s trade it’s the way shit works. In sales, I was told to ask for the business, ask for the business. Give ’em a noogie. Irritate the shit out of them with time tested, market researched, ten message hits. Grab them in a headlock and start rubbing. They will buy anything just to get you out of the fucking building. That’s what I was taught. Flash! You don’t sell anything! You don’t get in my pants without my consent. Sell! Sell! Sell! Buy today. Time is running out!

I hate that! It flies in the face of every thing I sense, feel, and abide by. I’m not trying to take a shit on the business world or the front stairs of Wharton, I’m just saying that we have to stop giving people that painful, abrasive, methodical noogie when we are trying to make our goods and service available.

Why not just show people what you can do. If they like it, they’ll buy it. I know, naive. You don’t chase a fish down and ram a worm down his throat. I’m not just pulling this stuff out of my butt. It’s happening to me. Everyday!

I like you. I want to keep seeing you but you have to stop with the pretense. The only thing you can do at this point is alienate me. Stop the oversell. I’m not a mushroom. Got that? Now give yourself a noogie and take the rest of the day off.

If you’ve made it this far down the page and think you can endure more of this nonsense, click the subscribe button and get free delivery. You can also leave a comment with suggestions  on where I can get professional help. Thanks. E.R.