“I am soooo busy”

Disclaimer: If you feel as though any of these descriptions are directed at you and you feel like I am singling you out for shame, embarrassment and the insignificant turd you really are, I am.

We’ve all seen them, the quiet, mousey, dumpy, plumpy, disheveled, non-descript techie type who never speaks up at meetings and then trashes her office while muttering conspiracy and unfairness at every decision that doesn’t go her way. The pasty little code monkey who shriveled her way into Marketing Communications by planting rumor and innuendo about anyone who had an original thought. So insecure is she, that she views everyone as her potential enemy. Even for projects that are totally out of her skill set.

It-does-not-fucking-matter. You are in her sights.

This passive aggressive, neurotic, egomaniac will plot your demise while you sleep. All her conversations consist of non-committals like, hmmm … interesting, uh-huh, oh yeah and I guess. Or even wow! (if you have a death in the family )

Her office is in the bowels of the basement and stacked with projects that never saw the light of day because someone else might get credit. They were slow walked into the void of irrelevance. Timed out because “I am sooo busy”

She sits there in her graveyard of dead projects waiting for the next fool to offer up a spark of creativity or worse, show some initiative. Of course, she is enabled by a motley crew of protectors who know exactly what she’s up to. Their goal is survival and obfuscation. There will be only two things left on earth after they drop the bomb: cockroaches and..them.

Where does some frumpy, personality bankrupted, hausfrau get the shit house notion that she is totally responsible for the success of a $500 million dollar company? Chrystal Meth maybe? Her favorite line was: “I know it’s a great video project but I’m just worried he might be putting the company at risk.”

Company at risk. That sneaky ittle phrase would stop legal in its tracks. And a lot of times, the project. Oh, of all the selfless acts of concern for the organization. Such as it is. Thank you!

If you say you got up at 4:00 am, she got up at three. If you say you got up at 2:00 am, she got up at one. Once, to have a little fun I told her I got up at midnight. Without missing a beat, she said she didn’t go to bed at all. I have to say, she looked it.

These are the types of neurotic ass kissing characters one runs into during a long career in corporate America. I have been flushing my toilet twice ever since. And I will when I’m through writing this piece.

I take great comfort in the fact that I didn’t have to mention your name. You will take umbrage I’m sure, because after all, everything is always about you anyway? Right?