This is where I get off!

It’s Monday morning. The self-induced churn begins. What’s the plan? Gotta have a plan, right? What am I building? How am I growing? Where am I going with all this? Gotta get there. Where? Who knows, just get moving. Hurry!

That’s the mental drill. Always. When do I arrive? I don’t know but I’m not there yet. Or am I? All the noise, the chatter, coming at me from all directions. The mind is restless and fearful it seems, for no apparent reason and the ego is giving me a thorough horse whipping.

Round and round. This has been going on for years. Is this the human conditional treadmill I signed up for? It’s never going to end until I wake up and become conscious.

Destination: Anywhere.

Seems we’re never there. It’s always just up around the bend. Just one more one more. When do I become me? When I pass? What if there’s nothing and I put all my chips on tomorrow? You feel lucky, punk? If not now? When?

I don’t have a routine that I can hypnotize myself with. I never go the same place every day. Don’t have a groove to keep my needle on the record. Creative work varies wildly as do the perceptions of it. It’s been like that for years.

Still, the beatings will continue until morale improves. The holidays are here, let’s batten down the hatches. Brace for the onslaught. Same shit, different year.

Lately, I’ve stopped all incoming media driven nonsense especially when I get up and embrace the stillness. I allow that formless entity, my consciousness, the real me, to guide me. The silence is healing. Listen to it. Listen long enough and the pain will ease. The ego, masquerading as me, will stop nagging and torturing me.

I don’t need to keep adding to me. I don’t have to punish myself for being incomplete. I’m already complete. I recognize it now. Finally.