I finally find a job I can stand. It’s eight up and four-oh. I like the people I work with, my manager calls me by my first name, and I have finally come to grips with the terms and function of my role.
I think to myself, “I can do this indefinitely.”
Then, one morning, the cute little HR rep with the high voice taps me on the shoulder and says she wants to introduce me to someone.
I quickly look past her to see this round shouldered lost soul with a pot belly, bad posture and an ill fitting white shirt.
Maybe he’s looking for directions?
She quickly assumes the “boxing ref” position to get us face to face as she breaks the news that this will be my new manager.
I am suddenly underwhelmed as this lump of disheveled humanity fills my eyeballs.
What have we got here? The next logical progression of the Peter Principle?
His eyes are darting around the room as she tells him how lucky he is to have such a strong team player like me.
His body language tells me I am the only thing standing between him and his next cheeseburger.
At this point, I think we’re losing him. He seems to be enduring the introduction as his lifeless arms just hang there.
He is missing in action. His discomfort is palpable. His chest has slid into his drawers.
He mumbles something incoherent but I don’t lean in to listen, because… I don’t care.
As I gaze at his fat, clammy hand, I thank the current epidemic that I don’t have to shake it.
Yet another HR lab experiment gone awry.
Why do they do this?
Now where did I put my square one?
I go back to work and start to plan my exit. I am so outta here. There is no way, I tell myself.
Now I hate everybody because they’re making me quit a job I could finally stand.
Those fucks! There is no way they don’t know what they’re doing.
You can’t spend more than a minute in a room with a mouth breather like that and not realize that he can’t relate to other humans.
What a kick in the chops.
After an hour, I start thinking, “Why should I quit? I was here first. This guy is not gonna make it, so why panic? Yeah, fuck them. I’m gonna keep showing up and get my money. I’m gonna play stupid, drag everything out. I will start conserving my energy for my other job.”
Yeah, rope-a- dope. That’s the ticket.
This is what happens when companies promote some technically proficient geek to the role of managing humans. WTF? There is obviously not enough oxygen getting into that back office.
HR, if you have made personnel changes and you start to see productivity drop, people leave and communication all but disappears, you have only yourself to blame.
If you want to recover, put Dipshit back in the dark room with the rest of the mushrooms and find managers with people skills.
People who care, people who can communicate and people who can remember someone’s first name.
People who can wish you a “Good Morning” without it sounding like Tourette’s.