Dear, soon-to-be Ex,


You betrayed me. You lied and misled me. When you first proposed to me you told me I was special. You swept me off my feet. You took a vow to always place me high above you. There was a ray of hope and promise in our relationship. You had some things I needed and I had some things you needed. A match made in heaven. You told me that you would never compromise our trust by violating our sacred agreement.

But as time went on you grew distant, you started wanting for more. You started telling your new friends intimate things about me and how they could take advantage. There were private things that I only shared with you. Now after you sold me out, all the creeps you gave me up to are pummeling me at the rate of about 400 e-mails an hour.

I can’t get a restraining order at this point so I have found it necessary to take down and deactivate the once wonderful space we shared information. I am burning down the house with the address that ended in .com.

There will be no temporary separation. No spam exile. No visitations and certainly no more further communication. Ever. You and all your digital piranha can talk amongst yourselves. Goodbye forever. The only time I will ever utter your name is on my blog and it won’t be pleasant.

You have always craved attention and now you will get it. In spades. Enjoy your new friends like Jiffy Lube, Dunkin’ Donuts, Allstate and that nut job chick from Russia.

With friends like you, I don’t need enemas.

With unlimited contempt,

The Chump

If you have any questions or need advice, please feel free to reach out to me here.

Bob O’Hearn

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Please note: I welcome comments that are offensive, illogical or off-topic from readers in all states of consciousness.

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